I should post an update...ya know, since I went to the doctor.

Good job Mandy, getting all caught up in the goodness of being a mom ;o)

Anyways, I know I posted my updated on Land of Snark, but I feel like I should post it here to. Hell, I could dedicate an entire post about how much I love you freakin' sweethearts....because seriously, I do. But I'll save that for an extra mushy day where I can use really good adjectives and throw in some country twang.

I went to see my psychiatrist yesterday evening with David. To say I was scared would be an understatement. I felt like a little girl being punished and going to the principals office. I knew this wasn't a punishment, I made the appointment myself for God's sake. But I felt almost ashamed, sitting in an office with people that had no idea what I was doing to myself. The receptionist actually came over and patted my belly, happily smiling and saying "Another one on the way, I see?" Part of me wanted to punch her because of my obvious belly. The other part of me wanted to tell her that her highlights on her short pixie cut made her look like a cheetah.

I did neither.

When my doctor called my name from the doorway the big shots come out of he commented on my husband being there. "Amanda, it's nice to see your husband, but you usually come alone. What's wrong?" This was all while we were in the doorway between the waiting room and the narrow hallway to the doctor's offices. Was I supposed to tell him in front of 10 people that I had a cutting relapse? Obviously not. So I said as nicely as I could "I needed him here for support."

I think that concerned my doctor because when we sat down in his office he looked at me like I was from outer space. Don't get me wrong, I love my psychiatrist, but when even the doctors that treat the crazies look at you like you're REALLY REALLY crazy, you get a little uneasy.

I shifted in my chair as he asked the usual questions. "How are your meds?" "Bad." "How has your mood been?" "Horrible." I explained to him that I was on bed rest for placenta previa and it was strict bed rest so I was getting uneasy from not getting out of the house. He asked me if that's why I have been feeling so horrible and I explained to him that was just the cherry on the sundae, so to speak.

I have been having a very strained relationship with my older sister, whom I consider my best friend, for the past few months. I have also been having a strained relationship with my mom because she thinks we're having another baby way too early. Between those two things, being couped up in the house for the last few weeks, and not doing the normal "mommy" things I'm supposed to be doing, I felt like I was trapped and suffocating.

I confessed to my doctor that I had a cutting relapse. He was comforting and sympathetic. He even went as far as saying that he doesn't know how his wife can take care of three children all day everyday. I guess that was comforting to hear. He then asked David if he had any concerns and David broke down crying, saying he didn't want me to kill myself. I, of course, broke down crying, too. So we were two crying saps sitting in front of a very professional doctor.

Luckily my doctor interjected when the crying died down and told David that cutting isn't necessarily a suicidal tendency. It's more of a release for the cutter, because they can't effectively express their feelings.

Thanks doc, I knew you'd be able to say the right thing.

I was recommended for a partial hospitalization program, which is 5 hours of intense therapy per day. I just need the okay from my OB to be put on modified bed rest. Until I'm able to attend the program my therapist who I've been seeing for the past few months told me she'd be able to come to the house two or three times a week. That's a relief, since I think I need more than just switching my medication. Speaking of which I was switched off Zoloft to Prozac. I took my first dose last night and feel a little better. I know I need 3-6 weeks to see the real results but I want to think that it will help.

I promise to update as I get more info from my OB about the partial hospitalization program. I really hope I'm able to attend before I hit 30 weeks, because by that point I'll be in that stage in pregnancy where all I want to do is sit and eat and complain that I'm a whale :P.

Much love to everyone <3