I feel like I've lost my best friend

Sorry, SB, I promise I'll post about you and your loveliness tomorrow. Today I'm just feeling too down to post about someone as wonderful as you.

I feel like I've lost my best friend. I might have, actually.

My sister Amy and I are only 18 months apart. We have always been the best of friends. When we were little my mom dressed us alike and people often asked if we were twins. I think my mom took that more as a compliment since I lost my brother, my twin, in utero. A lot of the time I think my mom wished me and and Amy were twins. We finished each others sentences, had many of the same friends, and when one of us had a nightmare we'd freely jump into the other's bed and feel better. When our younger sister Ashley came around, we'd already formed such a strong sisterly bond that we referred to her as "our baby".

Amy was 7 and I was almost 6 when Ashley was born. There is a picture of us holding "our baby" in my mom's hospital room. We did look like twins, except Amy's hair was probably two inches longer than mine. We had matching "Big Sister" shirts. Pink for me and green for Amy, since they were our favorite colors. Even though Ashley was quite the girly girl, she came home in a blue flowery outfit. She was stuck with that color the rest of her life. ;o)

Like I said in a previous post my mom's depression worsened after Ashley was born. She was in the hospital for the first time when Ashley was only 2 months old. I remember that day well (this was when she tried to kill herself with my fathers gun.) I also remember what I did the next day, while Amy and I were watching PBS after we went to school. I took a new box of 64 crayons, the kind with the sharpener in the back, and I broke all of them. I remember trying to read each color before I broke it. Cerulean, tangerine, brick red. Each time I broke a crayon it released just a tiny more bit of anger I had towards my mother. I was so angry at her for leaving us. Leaving me and Amy to fend for ourselves (with my nit-wit of a Grandmother) and a new baby sister. That night Amy braided my hair and I slept in her bed. We made sure to tell my Grandma that Ashley needed to sleep in her blue sleeper, the one with Pooh Bear on it.

My friendship with my sister became stronger every time my mother was hospitalized. By the time Ashley was old enough to figure out what was going on, my mother was coming out of her depressive state, and eventually stopped being hospitalized. I refer to Ashley as my "La la" sister. She wasn't really affected by my mother being gone and right now she's up in college living in her own "La la" land. Her and I rarely talk (by her choice) and she is truly the most independent sole I have ever known in my entire life. She traveled around Europe with a group of students when she was thirteen. Something I would have never been able to do. I admire her "La la-ness" and wish I could be that removed from our family situation.

I always tell my mother when I cut myself. I usually call her, but for some reason during this last relapse I decided to text her the next morning. We've been having a rocky relationship for the past few months because she thinks I'm crazy for having a baby so soon after having Lucy, but I thought I could confide in her and she'd tell me the things I needed to hear. The same things she needed to hear from someone 20 years ago. Instead she sent me a text back saying "are you proud of yourself?" I decided not to say anything back and instead called Amy. She was my right hand girl, she gave me the best advice and was always there for me when I needed her the most.

Her husband picked up the phone when I called. "Hey Mark, it's Mandy, can I talk to Amy?" He seemed almost perturbed that I was calling (given it was 8:30 a.m., but my sister has 2 kids, she's up that early anyways). When he handed Amy the phone instead of saying "Hey sis," or "What's up?" she answered with a "What?" I was caught off guard and let down that she wasn't her usual happy up lifting self. I told her I needed to have a heart to heart talk with her and she told me she'd have to call me back because she was dealing with a sick child and an uncooperative one. I told her that was fine, and I'd be happy to talk to her later. She hung up without saying good bye.

Fast forward to today, a week later. After calling her 5 times this past week and leaving messages, she finally called me back. This is my sister who usually barely lasts a day without calling me twice, even three times. I wasn't only saddened at our lack of communication, I was down right worried. She finally called me at 5 p.m.

I asked her how she was, she said fine. I asked her why we hadn't been in contact for the past week and she said quite irritated that she'd been busy and thought I'd understand her not calling me back. She then said to me "What was that heart to heart talk that you wanted to have?" I told her flat out, that I had cut myself last Saturday. I told her I was struggling and that I met with my psychiatrist and he changed my antidepressant and recommended I entered a partial hospitalization program after I was let off of strict bed rest. I told her that I needed her support right now and that I just wanted to let her know what was going on in my life, just like I'd hope she'd let me know what was going on in hers.

She answered by saying this..."Mandy, we all cannot stop our lives because you've reverted back to your high school depressive self. I have children, you have children. You need to stop being selfish and realize that your children and your unborn child are more important than lashing out and expressing yourself by slashing your wrists. You need to grow up and I can't hold your hand while you do so."

I sat there with my hand quivering and my body shaking. I then said to her "Okay Amy, I need to go now." and hung up.

Maybe I'm over reacting. Maybe my hormones and emotions are running wild and my sister is right, but God damn it, I need my sister now. I need her right now more than I need anyone. I need her to tell me I'm going to be okay and that what I'm doing right now is the best for me and my family. I need her. I need SOMEONE that understands, whether it's my mom, my sister, or my husband. I need someone. And right now, I feel more alone than ever.

Right now I'm sitting in bed with the covers bundled up over me like I'm in an Eskimo in Alaska. I want to sink away in them. I want to disappear. I want to magically float away and come back to the life I thought I had a hold of.

I hear Libby laughing with Lucy downstairs and I pray that they'll have the same relationship I had with my sister. I also pray that Lola has the same relationship with Libby and Lucy. I don't want her to be in "La la land." I want her to be able to count on her sisters for support. I want her to be able to call either one of them just to talk or to confess her inner most feelings and not be turned away.

I want for them what I thought I had with my sister. I want them to be best friends.